Cross & Creche

Living at the Pace of Pain, Part 4

I probably should have made this entry before the other ones in my “Pain” series. But now that I am typing it I realize that it is the perfect entry for the Advent Season. At first it may not seem appropriate to talk about the crucifixion in December (don’t we reserve that talk for Easter?). However, we are going to talk about the crucifixion and the suffering Christ right in the midst of “the most wonderful time of the year.”

One of the things that occurred during my “sciatica bed” time this summer was a moment with the crucified Christ at the Cross. It was no more than 5-10 minutes. But, as a friend of mine put it, it was a defining moment for me.

I was lying in bed, with my legs over my wedge pillow (that was my usual location at that point). I remembered something that Mother Teresa had said about the sufferings of Christ. Her ministry to the poor and dying was really her taking part in His suffering.

I decided I wanted to enter into that idea and see if I could get in touch with the sufferings of Christ through my own pain.

I pictured myself at the foot of the cross as Jesus hung there dying. I let myself feel my own pain and realized that it was a tiny fraction of the pain He felt as he took on the sins of the world. My pain seemed intolerable to me, so I could not comprehend how He stayed on the cross and endured that ultimate pain. I could not imagine a love so powerful that it would choose such agony on my behalf. His love is unimaginable. I lingered briefly there and just let my mind be blown. Unimaginable, overwhelming love.

It is this potent love that I want for us to experience during this Advent season…especially if you are finding it hard to stay focused on the true meaning of Christmas. The busyness of this season can quickly choke out the holiness and the purity of celebrating “God with us.”

So as you ponder the birth of Jesus this month, may you also be overwhelmed by the love of Christ on the cross. If you are experiencing pain of any kind (emotional, relational, physical) let yourself stand at the foot of the cross for a few minutes and see what happens. Maybe you will find yourself able to experience more of the true meaning of Christmas this year. And maybe it will bring new meaning to the nativity scene in your heart.

Wayne Anderson, 1940-2008

This evening I will be attending a memorial service for one of my spiritual mentors, Wayne Anderson. His life message was “The Grace of God.” One of his famous one-liners was:

“As we are saved by grace, so we live by grace, serve by grace, and lead by grace.”

Wayne loved the beach. I know this because he kept a P.O. Box in Laguna Beach just so he would be sure to get to the beach on a regular basis. I always thought that was cool.

I will also always remember him as the guy who "took a year off to be with God." It seemed so radical to me the first time I heard it. Now it makes perfect sense to me.

An important part of my own ministry is helping people engage in extended times with God. Wayne named these times EPCs (Extended Personal Communion). It is because of Wayne that this practice has become so important to me personally.

I guess that now, for Wayne, EPC means Eternal Personal Communion. He will be missed.

Limited View

Living at the Pace of Pain, Part 3

One of the things I realize now is that while I was in the most severe pain, I was very narrow-focused. My view of things outside my own bedroom or the path from the bed to the van to the doctor was extremely limited. I remember thinking I was the only one at the doctor’s office. I saw other people, but I could not take them in at all. All I could do was manage my body and try to figure out how I was going to get it from one place to another with the least possible resistance. I was very self-centered. I couldn’t care about everything because I was so focused on my own pain.

As my pain started to diminish, I began to notice other people in the room again. I could chit-chat. I could see people again. I had the emotional space to take others in.

Something I learned through my pain is that people in severe pain have a limited view of life. Much of their energy is going to just getting through the day, monitoring how they are feeling, maybe even just getting to the next pain pill. Although my recent experience was physical in nature, I believe this principle holds for people in severe emotional pain as well.

Enter GRACE. Much grace needs to be given to those who are suffering. Their vision is limited. The hard part is that you don’t always know when someone is suffering. You just see their short-sightedness and are tempted to lose patience with them.

A few months ago I was at the bank in a long line of people waiting for an open teller. There were about 3 tellers behind the counter, but only one was actually helping customers. A lady in line behind me began making loud comments about the lack of service. Another woman in line told her to pipe down (in so many words). The complaining woman shot back her response and it just felt mean and awkward.

I remember thinking that she must not have much love or grace in her life. If she did, she might be able to bear up under the minor strain of waiting in line for 5 minutes. She was likely under some “pain” that was causing her to be short-sighted.

Is it possible that we could be disseminators of grace in a hurting world? Many people cannot see past their own pain (whether it is physical, emotional or relational). Maybe we could be eyes and ears watching for the hurt in people and sending out a prayer…or even trying to inject a moment of grace with a few words.

I want what I experienced to keep me in a place of humility. I don’t want to forget how narrow I was when I was in pain. I want that experience to help me keep my eyes open for other hurting people. I want to be a container of God’s grace…a jar of clay filled with great treasure…that might bless another.

Resting in the Lord

I just got back from a women’s retreat in the Kansas City, MO area. The women were given an extended time with God. One of the things we talked about was the possibility that they might sleep during part of the time. We likened it to a child, crawling up into the lap of their mom, cuddling in close and falling asleep. If a mother enjoys that kind of love with her child, how much more God would enjoy us completely relaxing in His presence and basking in His love.

In the picture above you might see a few white dots in the grass. These are women laying in grass, soaking up the warmth of the sunshine - but mostly resting in the Presence of their Father who loves them very, very much.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
(Zephaniah 3:17)

Presence

Living at the Pace of Pain, Part 2...

Here is one thing I brought out of my summer of pain. I don't want to lose the slowness. Having to move physically slow has caused an inner slowness. I have been afraid to lose that as the Fall season has taken off. For the most part, the inner slowness has remained. I like having my insides revved down while still carrying out my regular responsibilities. I have more peace now than I did before the pain.

I had previously thought that an inner slowness could be one of the defining marks of a Christian. I still believe this is true. People need presence. That can only happen with a slowed inner pace.

Living at the Pace of Pain - The Story

If any of you have been checking my blog for the last few months, you might be wondering, “Why isn’t she writing anything new?” Well, my summer took on a life of its own and I was out of commission for most of it.

In mid-June I had a lower backache for about a week. I took Advil and carried on with my life. But about a week into it, I began to have pain in my left leg. I let this digress for about two weeks. I know now that that was a HUGE mistake. I got to the point where I could not sit and I could barely walk.

I went to the doctor thinking it was sciatica, which he confirmed. But I continued to get worse.

A little over a week later God blessed me with the gift of a chiropractor. He was a friend of a friend and he decided to treat me for free. I have received thousands of dollars of treatment at no cost. That is a huge miracle and blessing for us.

I had an MRI and it showed that I had a disc extrusion between L5 and S1 that was on my sciatic nerve. I spent the next several weeks in the most severe pain I have ever experienced. There were many times when I was in the most severe pain (moaning and crying) that I felt God left me or wouldn’t answer me.  But I know that, of course, He was there and still is.  I wanted to unzip my body and step out of it to get away from the pain.  I would have 90-minute periods of pain (3 to 4 times a day for about 2 or 3 weeks) shooting down my left leg, throbbing in my hamstring, calf and heel.  I would have one of these “throbbings” in the middle of each night. My husband, Alan, would try to comfort me and he would end up pacing around the room, reading Psalms out loud, just proclaiming truth in the midst of the pain.

I have been slowly coming out of the pain. Every 2 or 3 weeks, I take a leap forward in my abilities. At this point, I am doing much better. I am not pain free and I still cannot sit, stand or walk for extended periods, but I can do all 3 now way more than before.

At this point, the bad pain feels like a bad dream.  I can’t believe I am past it.  There were times when I didn’t believe it would go away.  I didn’t see how it would end.

I am still unpacking what God wanted to do in me by allowing this situation.  I’ve journalled some of the things He has taught me (after the fact). During the pain, I was just managing each day, but God has been His usual faithful self and has brought forth good fruit.

I’ll share some of what I’ve learned in future entries.

Systematic Beauty

The other day, I picked up my oldest son from his school carpool. We began a typical conversation about homework. I asked specifically about the homework he was working on for his music theory class at Saddleback College. He told me about his homework that dealt with the circle of fifths and key signatures. I mentioned that he was good at music because he is good at math. He said, “Yeah, it’s pretty systematic.” I answered, “Isn’t it interesting that something so systematic can be so beautiful? Music theory is systematic and yet you end up with something that is subjective…it can feel happy, sad or scary.”

As I pondered this, I realized that there is an insight here for our spiritual growth. We set up movements for ourselves that, when strung together in various ways, make beautiful music in our life. Just as there is a “system” to music—key signatures, scales, time signatures—so are there some basic practices we engage to nurture our relationship with God. Each of us knows which practices nurture our own souls. You know in your own heart what draws you to your Father. You alone know your deepest desires. These are the places from which “the disciplines” spring.

Each person is unique, just as is each song. God is, of course, the true composer, as He speaks through His Word, through nature, through friends and through our own lives.

A Dog's Life

I admit it. I have become one of them. I never thought it would happen...but it did. I’m a “dog person.” However, I don’t feel this way about all dogs...just our new pet, Lex. I guess I should say I have become a “Lex person.” He is just the cutest thing. That is him above, taking a nap at the foot of my bed.

Two weeks ago, we went to the shelter, hoping to find a small, well behaved dog. Lex was the first one on the right side as we walked into the dog building. Most of the other dogs were barking loudly, echoing through the concrete hall. Lex just put his nose through the iron gate and looked at us. That was it. He found a place in our hearts immediately.

Lex is fitting into our family just fine. With Alan’s encouragement, the boys have come to the decision that “God led us to Lex because He knew just what we wanted.”

Eat Your Pie Right Out of the Box

I had the privilege of being with some amazing women this last weekend. I spent just a little over 2 days in Cambria at the home of a friend. Can anyone say ocean view?! Out the back steps was the ocean itself, with tidepools at low tide right under your feet. We spent time talking, sharing stories, and praying (oh, and, of course, eating)!

One highlight for me was a brief tour of the coastline. The terrain mid-state is just beautiful and it gets even more beautiful the further north you travel. Right now it is elephant seal season. At one beach there were hundreds of elephant seals sunning themselves and flipping dirt onto their backs. I presume this is to protect their “delicate” blubber from the sun.

We made our way onto a back country road and stopped at a small farm whose specialty is pies and preserves. One of my friends purchased an olallieberry pie. We were going to take it home for later. However, I, being the highbrow that I am (NOT), suggested that we get forks and dig in right then and there. Not surprisingly, no one balked. The picture above is an actual bite that I ate from that amazing pie. I love how the sun glistens off the sweet gelatin. It just makes me happy. That is how that morning felt. We enjoyed friendship and beautiful scenery. What a great combination.

If you’ve never eaten pie right out of the box, you haven’t lived...try it sometime.