Living at the Pace of Pain - The Story

If any of you have been checking my blog for the last few months, you might be wondering, “Why isn’t she writing anything new?” Well, my summer took on a life of its own and I was out of commission for most of it.

In mid-June I had a lower backache for about a week. I took Advil and carried on with my life. But about a week into it, I began to have pain in my left leg. I let this digress for about two weeks. I know now that that was a HUGE mistake. I got to the point where I could not sit and I could barely walk.

I went to the doctor thinking it was sciatica, which he confirmed. But I continued to get worse.

A little over a week later God blessed me with the gift of a chiropractor. He was a friend of a friend and he decided to treat me for free. I have received thousands of dollars of treatment at no cost. That is a huge miracle and blessing for us.

I had an MRI and it showed that I had a disc extrusion between L5 and S1 that was on my sciatic nerve. I spent the next several weeks in the most severe pain I have ever experienced. There were many times when I was in the most severe pain (moaning and crying) that I felt God left me or wouldn’t answer me.  But I know that, of course, He was there and still is.  I wanted to unzip my body and step out of it to get away from the pain.  I would have 90-minute periods of pain (3 to 4 times a day for about 2 or 3 weeks) shooting down my left leg, throbbing in my hamstring, calf and heel.  I would have one of these “throbbings” in the middle of each night. My husband, Alan, would try to comfort me and he would end up pacing around the room, reading Psalms out loud, just proclaiming truth in the midst of the pain.

I have been slowly coming out of the pain. Every 2 or 3 weeks, I take a leap forward in my abilities. At this point, I am doing much better. I am not pain free and I still cannot sit, stand or walk for extended periods, but I can do all 3 now way more than before.

At this point, the bad pain feels like a bad dream.  I can’t believe I am past it.  There were times when I didn’t believe it would go away.  I didn’t see how it would end.

I am still unpacking what God wanted to do in me by allowing this situation.  I’ve journalled some of the things He has taught me (after the fact). During the pain, I was just managing each day, but God has been His usual faithful self and has brought forth good fruit.

I’ll share some of what I’ve learned in future entries.

Systematic Beauty

The other day, I picked up my oldest son from his school carpool. We began a typical conversation about homework. I asked specifically about the homework he was working on for his music theory class at Saddleback College. He told me about his homework that dealt with the circle of fifths and key signatures. I mentioned that he was good at music because he is good at math. He said, “Yeah, it’s pretty systematic.” I answered, “Isn’t it interesting that something so systematic can be so beautiful? Music theory is systematic and yet you end up with something that is subjective…it can feel happy, sad or scary.”

As I pondered this, I realized that there is an insight here for our spiritual growth. We set up movements for ourselves that, when strung together in various ways, make beautiful music in our life. Just as there is a “system” to music—key signatures, scales, time signatures—so are there some basic practices we engage to nurture our relationship with God. Each of us knows which practices nurture our own souls. You know in your own heart what draws you to your Father. You alone know your deepest desires. These are the places from which “the disciplines” spring.

Each person is unique, just as is each song. God is, of course, the true composer, as He speaks through His Word, through nature, through friends and through our own lives.

A Dog's Life

I admit it. I have become one of them. I never thought it would happen...but it did. I’m a “dog person.” However, I don’t feel this way about all dogs...just our new pet, Lex. I guess I should say I have become a “Lex person.” He is just the cutest thing. That is him above, taking a nap at the foot of my bed.

Two weeks ago, we went to the shelter, hoping to find a small, well behaved dog. Lex was the first one on the right side as we walked into the dog building. Most of the other dogs were barking loudly, echoing through the concrete hall. Lex just put his nose through the iron gate and looked at us. That was it. He found a place in our hearts immediately.

Lex is fitting into our family just fine. With Alan’s encouragement, the boys have come to the decision that “God led us to Lex because He knew just what we wanted.”

Eat Your Pie Right Out of the Box

I had the privilege of being with some amazing women this last weekend. I spent just a little over 2 days in Cambria at the home of a friend. Can anyone say ocean view?! Out the back steps was the ocean itself, with tidepools at low tide right under your feet. We spent time talking, sharing stories, and praying (oh, and, of course, eating)!

One highlight for me was a brief tour of the coastline. The terrain mid-state is just beautiful and it gets even more beautiful the further north you travel. Right now it is elephant seal season. At one beach there were hundreds of elephant seals sunning themselves and flipping dirt onto their backs. I presume this is to protect their “delicate” blubber from the sun.

We made our way onto a back country road and stopped at a small farm whose specialty is pies and preserves. One of my friends purchased an olallieberry pie. We were going to take it home for later. However, I, being the highbrow that I am (NOT), suggested that we get forks and dig in right then and there. Not surprisingly, no one balked. The picture above is an actual bite that I ate from that amazing pie. I love how the sun glistens off the sweet gelatin. It just makes me happy. That is how that morning felt. We enjoyed friendship and beautiful scenery. What a great combination.

If you’ve never eaten pie right out of the box, you haven’t lived...try it sometime.

I Never Saw Today!

“I never saw today!” my son, then 4-years-old, exclaimed as he peered out the van window. There were some dark grey storm clouds ahead of us. Behind them was blue sky, with splashes of pink and gold. It was the beginning of sunset, and, evidently, my son had never seen the sky in exactly that form before. The only way for him to describe this amazing sky was, “I never saw today!”

I was reminded that I, too, “never saw today.” My day had been full of school Christmas parties and continuing to prepare for another party that evening. I was scurrying around doing the tasks of the day and hadn’t stopped once to wonder at the day given to me by my Creator.

We are getting ready to hit the holiday season with full force. It might be a good idea to decide right now that you won’t miss “today.” I am going to try not to let the tasks overshadow the meaning of Christmas. I want to enjoy this season with my family and friends. It is ok to take the time to enjoy the people and events of the season.

So instead of “Seize the Day” I think I will try to “See today!”

“Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’" (Lamentations 3:22-24)

15 Seconds

I overheard a very interesting conversation yesterday. I was returning a DVD at a video store. Behind the desk, there were two clerks bantering about the computer system. Evidently, every time they used the computer, some promotional pictures came up and they had to wait for them in order to get the customer information they were accessing.

One of the guys said, “Yeah, it takes like 15 seconds to get to the screen you want. It sucks.”

I chuckled to myself. The clerk said that sentence in earnest.

15 seconds was an imposition.

This was just another example of how our culture has issues with hurry and speed. With our computers, we expect things to happen within 2-3 seconds. “What is taking this page so long to load?” “Can’t this file download any faster?”

What kind of a life is it if you can’t wait 15 seconds for something to happen? As I thought about it, it was a reminder for me to slow down inside. I have written about this before in my blog. I guess it just comes up a lot in the culture of Orange County.

I am not trying to point fingers. I fight that inner hurry almost every day in my own life. I don’t like it and I don’t really consider myself to be “Type A.” Yet I struggle with that need to “move forward to that next thing.”

What I really want is to enjoy every moment...to truly be with the person I am with...to listen well...to be...

Got 15 seconds to spare?

The Fire

We are safe from the So. Cal. fires. The closest one is about 3 to 5 miles away. We are breathing smoke and looking at the sky through a haze today, but we have our home. Others have not fared as well. I just finished looking through some photos online. The devastation is...devastating. People have lost homes and cars. They are sitting around in gymnasiums and stadiums. Firefighters are exhausted. Planes are dropping white and pink substances from the air. The fire rages.

Disasters like this have a way of popping everything into perspective. You take yourself to that “What if...” place and ask yourself what you would take if you had to evacuate your home. My list is quite small. I would take my family, my photo albums, my computer (it contains my calendar, journal and more photos), some clothes, a bible. So why do I act as though all the other “stuff” is so important? Perspective...

My prayers go out today for all the people who have evacuated and/or have lost their homes. May they rise up from these ashes and have a new beginning that brings healing.


Photo above: A resident of Irvine looking at the Santiago Canyon fire from atop the Quail Hill community. (Submitted to YourScene By Irvine Resident)

I'm Certifiable!

I am proud to announce that I have completed another process in my journey as a Spiritual Director. I just finished a 2-year process called “The Journey.” “The Journey” is the flagship ministry of The Leadership Institute and is about the integration of spiritual formation and leadership development. I was privileged to be a part of Generation 14. It has been amazing to walk with such a powerhouse group of leaders.

In the picture above, the mentor team is praying over us after we received our “Certificate in Spiritual Direction, Formation & Leadership.” The certificate represents 300 hours of supervised practice in spiritual reading, spiritual disciplines, spiritual leadership, and full participation in Generation 14.

In the back row is Wayne Anderson, Jon Byron, Craig Babb and David Montzingo. Seated in front is Merle Whitney and me. Alan Fadling and Paul Jensen have their backs to the camera. My husband, Alan, is annointing me with oil and commissioning me for further ministry. Fun!

The Freedom of Non-Judgment

Luke 6:37-38 - "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

From Henri Nouwen’s Here and Now, Living in the Spirit:

“Only when we claim the love of God, the love that transcends all judgments, can we overcome all fear of judgments. When we have become completely free from the need to judge others, we will also become completely free from the fear of being judged.

The experience of not having to judge cannot coexist with the fear of being judged, and the experience of God’s non-judgmental love cannot coexist with a need to judge others. That’s what Jesus means when he says: ‘Do not judge, and you will not be judged.’ The connection between the two sides of this sentence is the same connection that exists between the love of God and the love of neighbor. they cannot be separated. This connection, however, is not simply a logical connection that can be thought through. It is first and foremost a connection of the heart that is made in prayer.”

The Waning Days of Summer

I haven’t blogged since for a while. We went on an extended vacation, part of which was visiting our friends in Pennsylvania. On that trip, we spent 2 days in Washington D.C. You can see my boys (above) in front of the reflecting pool with the Washington Monument in the distance. As usual, summer went by very fast. We had a great time resting, playing and traveling.

School starts next week so it will be back to the “regular” schedule. I hope, as I do at the end of every summer, that I will be able to take my inner pace back into the more structured schedule.

Perspective

It was just over a year ago when I blogged about the death of a 15-year-old. Now, I am sorry to say, I am blogging about the death of a 42-year-old.

Last year, the death of the young man hit me so hard. I had never met him and yet I sobbed at the memorial service from the moment my foot hit the parking lot pavement until the service ended. The grief felt so huge. I tried to imagine his mother’s loss. Impossible.

Recently, an acquaintance of mine died. I had met her a few times at the Journey retreats of The Leadership Institute. She was a very warm and gracious person. Her name was Grace. Grace’s death hit me differently. Because she was a woman about my age and general life stage (married with children), I am more sobered than grief stricken. The grief I feel is mostly for her husband and beautiful daughter that she left behind. How they will cope with the loss of their wife and mother can only be covered by the grace of God.

For Grace, herself, I sense peace as she is rejoicing in Heaven and is free from illness. I have also been truly thankful for life in ways that I have not been in the recent past. Every morning when my husband and I pray, I thank God for “the gift of the new day.” This phrase is not cliche anymore. I am truly thanking Him for allowing me to wake up and live a new day.

Life is fleeting...Grace had gone to the doctor with a cough that wouldn’t go away. Instead of hearing something like “cold,” “virus” or “bronchitis,” she found out that she had lung cancer. About 6 months later she died.

Each day is a gift. Really. A gift. What am I doing with the time I have been given? My time may come at any moment. I want to be able to say that I was present in each moment, available to love God and to love people. What are the things that rob me of the ability to be grateful, present, and truly alive?

Perspective - the little things that I get bent out of shape about day-to-day are really not that big a deal. Today is a gift and I want my arms to be wide open to receive it.

Remain in Peace

“Do not think about what will happen tomorrow, for the same eternal Father who takes care of you today will look out for you tomorrow and always. Either He will keep you from evil or He will give you invincible courage to endure it. Remain in peace.” (St. Francis de Sales)

The Holiness of Peanut Butter & Jelly

We recently attended a church service where we did two things that I have never done before. Well, actually, I have done both of these things before many times, just never at the same time.

We were worshipping God through song. Then, in between one song and another, we were encouraged to go to the sides of the room where there were tables set up. On one of the tables, there were handi-wipes (very important), loaves of bread, and bowls with peanut butter and jelly in them. We were asked to make a sandwich and take it to the other table which had the brown bag, chips, cookies and juice boxes. These sack lunches would be delivered to the Orange County Rescue Mission for those who needed meals.

Silly as it may sound, I actually felt the presence of God while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was almost brought to tears. We were given the tools to help someone in a very simple way and we acted on it right there, while in the midst of worship. My heart began to go out to whomever might eat the sandwich and I prayed for them. The worship music continued in the background and as I returned to my seat I continued to pray for people that I didn’t even know.

It was truly a unique worship experience. It was a holy moment where the profoundly simple met the profoundly eternal.

Prayer of St. Bonaventura

A prayer of St. Bonaventura:

O Lord, Holy Father, show us what kind of man it is who it hanging, for our sakes, on the cross, whose suffering causes the rocks, themselves, to crack and crumble with compassion, whose death brings the dead back to life.

Let my heart crack and crumble at the sight of Him. Let my soul break apart with compassion for His suffering. Let it be shattered with grief at my sins for which He dies. And finally, let it be softened with devoted love for Him.

Blossom

“Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” (Anais Nin)