Pain Pills

Living at the Pace of Pain, Part 5

Last night I found a piece of paper with the following record of medication I was taking for sciatica pain...

July 21-22, 2008...

8:30am - pain pill
11:30am - 4 ibuprofen
1:00pm - pain pill
3:15pm - 4 ibuprofen
5:30pm - pain pill
8:00pm - 4 ibuprofen
11:00pm - pain pill
2:30am - pain pill
5:30am - 4 ibuprofen
8:30am - pain pill
12:00pm - 6 ibuprofen
3:30pm - pain pill
7:00pm - 6 ibuprofen
10:30pm - pain pill

At the time, I didn’t know how the pain would come to an end. I was distressed at how much pain medication I was taking, but it was unbearable otherwise.

I am happy to report that I am almost back to normal. I still get a little achy each day (especially if I sit in the wrong kind of chair). My flexibility and stamina are increasing.

Thank you to all who have prayed for me. The healing has been steady and I am grateful.

Wayne Anderson, 1940-2008

This evening I will be attending a memorial service for one of my spiritual mentors, Wayne Anderson. His life message was “The Grace of God.” One of his famous one-liners was:

“As we are saved by grace, so we live by grace, serve by grace, and lead by grace.”

Wayne loved the beach. I know this because he kept a P.O. Box in Laguna Beach just so he would be sure to get to the beach on a regular basis. I always thought that was cool.

I will also always remember him as the guy who "took a year off to be with God." It seemed so radical to me the first time I heard it. Now it makes perfect sense to me.

An important part of my own ministry is helping people engage in extended times with God. Wayne named these times EPCs (Extended Personal Communion). It is because of Wayne that this practice has become so important to me personally.

I guess that now, for Wayne, EPC means Eternal Personal Communion. He will be missed.

Limited View

Living at the Pace of Pain, Part 3

One of the things I realize now is that while I was in the most severe pain, I was very narrow-focused. My view of things outside my own bedroom or the path from the bed to the van to the doctor was extremely limited. I remember thinking I was the only one at the doctor’s office. I saw other people, but I could not take them in at all. All I could do was manage my body and try to figure out how I was going to get it from one place to another with the least possible resistance. I was very self-centered. I couldn’t care about everything because I was so focused on my own pain.

As my pain started to diminish, I began to notice other people in the room again. I could chit-chat. I could see people again. I had the emotional space to take others in.

Something I learned through my pain is that people in severe pain have a limited view of life. Much of their energy is going to just getting through the day, monitoring how they are feeling, maybe even just getting to the next pain pill. Although my recent experience was physical in nature, I believe this principle holds for people in severe emotional pain as well.

Enter GRACE. Much grace needs to be given to those who are suffering. Their vision is limited. The hard part is that you don’t always know when someone is suffering. You just see their short-sightedness and are tempted to lose patience with them.

A few months ago I was at the bank in a long line of people waiting for an open teller. There were about 3 tellers behind the counter, but only one was actually helping customers. A lady in line behind me began making loud comments about the lack of service. Another woman in line told her to pipe down (in so many words). The complaining woman shot back her response and it just felt mean and awkward.

I remember thinking that she must not have much love or grace in her life. If she did, she might be able to bear up under the minor strain of waiting in line for 5 minutes. She was likely under some “pain” that was causing her to be short-sighted.

Is it possible that we could be disseminators of grace in a hurting world? Many people cannot see past their own pain (whether it is physical, emotional or relational). Maybe we could be eyes and ears watching for the hurt in people and sending out a prayer…or even trying to inject a moment of grace with a few words.

I want what I experienced to keep me in a place of humility. I don’t want to forget how narrow I was when I was in pain. I want that experience to help me keep my eyes open for other hurting people. I want to be a container of God’s grace…a jar of clay filled with great treasure…that might bless another.

Presence

Living at the Pace of Pain, Part 2...

Here is one thing I brought out of my summer of pain. I don't want to lose the slowness. Having to move physically slow has caused an inner slowness. I have been afraid to lose that as the Fall season has taken off. For the most part, the inner slowness has remained. I like having my insides revved down while still carrying out my regular responsibilities. I have more peace now than I did before the pain.

I had previously thought that an inner slowness could be one of the defining marks of a Christian. I still believe this is true. People need presence. That can only happen with a slowed inner pace.

Living at the Pace of Pain - The Story

If any of you have been checking my blog for the last few months, you might be wondering, “Why isn’t she writing anything new?” Well, my summer took on a life of its own and I was out of commission for most of it.

In mid-June I had a lower backache for about a week. I took Advil and carried on with my life. But about a week into it, I began to have pain in my left leg. I let this digress for about two weeks. I know now that that was a HUGE mistake. I got to the point where I could not sit and I could barely walk.

I went to the doctor thinking it was sciatica, which he confirmed. But I continued to get worse.

A little over a week later God blessed me with the gift of a chiropractor. He was a friend of a friend and he decided to treat me for free. I have received thousands of dollars of treatment at no cost. That is a huge miracle and blessing for us.

I had an MRI and it showed that I had a disc extrusion between L5 and S1 that was on my sciatic nerve. I spent the next several weeks in the most severe pain I have ever experienced. There were many times when I was in the most severe pain (moaning and crying) that I felt God left me or wouldn’t answer me.  But I know that, of course, He was there and still is.  I wanted to unzip my body and step out of it to get away from the pain.  I would have 90-minute periods of pain (3 to 4 times a day for about 2 or 3 weeks) shooting down my left leg, throbbing in my hamstring, calf and heel.  I would have one of these “throbbings” in the middle of each night. My husband, Alan, would try to comfort me and he would end up pacing around the room, reading Psalms out loud, just proclaiming truth in the midst of the pain.

I have been slowly coming out of the pain. Every 2 or 3 weeks, I take a leap forward in my abilities. At this point, I am doing much better. I am not pain free and I still cannot sit, stand or walk for extended periods, but I can do all 3 now way more than before.

At this point, the bad pain feels like a bad dream.  I can’t believe I am past it.  There were times when I didn’t believe it would go away.  I didn’t see how it would end.

I am still unpacking what God wanted to do in me by allowing this situation.  I’ve journalled some of the things He has taught me (after the fact). During the pain, I was just managing each day, but God has been His usual faithful self and has brought forth good fruit.

I’ll share some of what I’ve learned in future entries.

Systematic Beauty

The other day, I picked up my oldest son from his school carpool. We began a typical conversation about homework. I asked specifically about the homework he was working on for his music theory class at Saddleback College. He told me about his homework that dealt with the circle of fifths and key signatures. I mentioned that he was good at music because he is good at math. He said, “Yeah, it’s pretty systematic.” I answered, “Isn’t it interesting that something so systematic can be so beautiful? Music theory is systematic and yet you end up with something that is subjective…it can feel happy, sad or scary.”

As I pondered this, I realized that there is an insight here for our spiritual growth. We set up movements for ourselves that, when strung together in various ways, make beautiful music in our life. Just as there is a “system” to music—key signatures, scales, time signatures—so are there some basic practices we engage to nurture our relationship with God. Each of us knows which practices nurture our own souls. You know in your own heart what draws you to your Father. You alone know your deepest desires. These are the places from which “the disciplines” spring.

Each person is unique, just as is each song. God is, of course, the true composer, as He speaks through His Word, through nature, through friends and through our own lives.

I Never Saw Today!

“I never saw today!” my son, then 4-years-old, exclaimed as he peered out the van window. There were some dark grey storm clouds ahead of us. Behind them was blue sky, with splashes of pink and gold. It was the beginning of sunset, and, evidently, my son had never seen the sky in exactly that form before. The only way for him to describe this amazing sky was, “I never saw today!”

I was reminded that I, too, “never saw today.” My day had been full of school Christmas parties and continuing to prepare for another party that evening. I was scurrying around doing the tasks of the day and hadn’t stopped once to wonder at the day given to me by my Creator.

We are getting ready to hit the holiday season with full force. It might be a good idea to decide right now that you won’t miss “today.” I am going to try not to let the tasks overshadow the meaning of Christmas. I want to enjoy this season with my family and friends. It is ok to take the time to enjoy the people and events of the season.

So instead of “Seize the Day” I think I will try to “See today!”

“Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’" (Lamentations 3:22-24)

The Fire

We are safe from the So. Cal. fires. The closest one is about 3 to 5 miles away. We are breathing smoke and looking at the sky through a haze today, but we have our home. Others have not fared as well. I just finished looking through some photos online. The devastation is...devastating. People have lost homes and cars. They are sitting around in gymnasiums and stadiums. Firefighters are exhausted. Planes are dropping white and pink substances from the air. The fire rages.

Disasters like this have a way of popping everything into perspective. You take yourself to that “What if...” place and ask yourself what you would take if you had to evacuate your home. My list is quite small. I would take my family, my photo albums, my computer (it contains my calendar, journal and more photos), some clothes, a bible. So why do I act as though all the other “stuff” is so important? Perspective...

My prayers go out today for all the people who have evacuated and/or have lost their homes. May they rise up from these ashes and have a new beginning that brings healing.


Photo above: A resident of Irvine looking at the Santiago Canyon fire from atop the Quail Hill community. (Submitted to YourScene By Irvine Resident)

I'm Certifiable!

I am proud to announce that I have completed another process in my journey as a Spiritual Director. I just finished a 2-year process called “The Journey.” “The Journey” is the flagship ministry of The Leadership Institute and is about the integration of spiritual formation and leadership development. I was privileged to be a part of Generation 14. It has been amazing to walk with such a powerhouse group of leaders.

In the picture above, the mentor team is praying over us after we received our “Certificate in Spiritual Direction, Formation & Leadership.” The certificate represents 300 hours of supervised practice in spiritual reading, spiritual disciplines, spiritual leadership, and full participation in Generation 14.

In the back row is Wayne Anderson, Jon Byron, Craig Babb and David Montzingo. Seated in front is Merle Whitney and me. Alan Fadling and Paul Jensen have their backs to the camera. My husband, Alan, is annointing me with oil and commissioning me for further ministry. Fun!